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5 steps to overcome jerkness and become a better hater


Let’s get right to the point. I hate Kristen Wiig, I’m a Kristen Wiig hater.  I don't hate her as much as I hate Barb, but still. There’s no reason for it. I don’t think she’s excruciatingly bad, I just think she sucks and is terribly overrated in a low key kind of way which makes my hatred even stronger (bear in mind that I'm just a copywriter in a Miami marketing agency). But here’s the thing, and prepare for some shameless bragging: I’m a superb, respectful, and extremely professional Kristen Wiig hater. And I can promise I can make you one as well. You too can become a better hater. 


Do you really think it’s a coincidence all her characters are unbelievably annoying?


Not all haters are the same, despite what positivity freaks will have you believe. There are hating best practices. Here, let’s go over the basics of what makes up a good hater vs a bad one. This will be your Being a Hater 101 class, your hater’s best practices crashcourse, or just the article you read while pretending to work...


 1. Accepting your hatred:

Whenever I was watching a movie and I’d see Kristen’s name come up, I’d roll my eyes so hard I was sure they’d never go back to the right place. Still, I was hesitant to speak publically about it. The world seems to be in love with her and the only ones hating her are MRA crazies (That’s an acronym for Men’s Right Activist. Which is absolutely not a thing) and no one ever wants to willingly be on the side of MRA red pillers.


I struggled to make sense of my hatred for her so I continued to lash out every time she had even a second of screen time. Because: Ugh, Kristen, you are my least favorite kristen and deserve all the ughs.


You know what happened when I realized the only problem was that I irrationally hate her? Nothing. Because she doesn’t owe me a thing, I have no reason to hate her, and my feelings don’t entitle me to the destruction of her life.


What happens if you don’t: If you don’t accept it for what it is, you turn into a fucking gobbling. It’s a downward spiral to hell. You encounter all these negative feelings, think they are somehow legitimate and then you find yourself issuing anonymous death/rape threats.


“But what about my totally legitimate and founded hatred for Donald Trump?”, Well, honey, I’m glad you asked...

 2. Knowing where it comes from:


Why are you so sure your feelings are legitimate? Has Donny T personally attacked you? Of course, unless you’re straight, white, male and affluent. Is he legitimately threatening your lifestyle? Of course unless you’re straight, white, male, and affluent. Is he going to kill all your family and piss on your fish pet? Of course he is, and if you’re latino he’ll also build a wall surrounding your home and piss on it too. Donald Trump works hard to be legitimately hated, but that’s beside the point.


Let’s look at the, now basically ancient, Gamergate controversy. If you never heard about it, here’s the gist of it:


  • It was early 2013… When Zoe Quinn, an indie game designer who did not have sex with anyone at The Social Us to get mentioned, released Depression Quest, an interactive browser game. That’s arguably equal parts boring and important in raising awareness of what living with depression is actually like. It was generally well received, but many were angry at what they thought was underserved attention to an overrated game. So kinda like what we should all feel towards The Big Bang Theory.


No, it didn’t get bad after the 3rd season. It’s always been awful.


If you are wondering who could possibly be angry for the release of a video game to increase awareness towards depression, look at the Quinn’s haters. They weren’t happy with what she’d done, they thought the game was boring, badly done, and that she had to be buying (with sex) the reviews praising it. So what did they do? Issue death threats.

  • A year later… Quinn’s ex, Eron Gnoji, posts a vindictive rambling essay full of personal information and chat logs detailing Quinn’s infidelities. I spent about an hour of my life sorting through all his logs (again) so that you don’t have to. In a nutshell: she cheated with at least 5 guys, one of them was married and her boss, and the other was a gaming journalist who did not review her game.


Zoe Quinn, source of everything evil


  • Then the haters felt justified… They were already mad at what they perceived was underserved praised to a mediocre indie developer, when they found the jilted ex’s post, they ate it up (Because the “crazy ex” stereotype is reserved only for women) . She obviously bought all her reviews with her magical vagina. And here’s the thing: they felt so justified they actually claim their hatred was an issue of ethics in gaming journalism. But if that were true, wouldn’t they be attacking the gaming journalist? Or maybe the married asshole boss? Everything went to Quinn.


Now, about a hundred internet years have passed, about 10 new Kardashians have been born since then, and hardly anyone cares about Gamergate anymore. In fact, this year some information came to the surface about Quinn not being as innocent as she claims to be. But regardless of her intentions, threats were still issued not just to her but to anyone who dared to defend her.


There was some pretty disproportionate hatred and that’s exactly what happens if you have no idea why you are hating what you’re hating. You cling to any half baked argument that seems to justify what you feel and attack without any sort of logic. Kinda like fake marketing gurus hating on updated algorithms just because they don't suit their shady needs. 

 3. Disassociate from it:

Your hatred shouldn’t define you. It’s not part of your personality. Accept that.


God, Kristen. Stop.


I don’t put on my resumé “Professional hater of Kristen Wiig” and go around the world making myself known for it. Because it doesn’t run my life and if it did all those positivity freaks that used the word “toxic” way too liberally and think negativity is a threat to their fragile egos would win. And I’m never going to let them win.


What happens if you don’t: You won’t know how to live with yourself unless you’re hating something. It will be your own personal brand of heroin (Did you know that’s a direct quote from Twilight?). Which means it will permeate everything you do, which means your Twitter feed will look like Donald Trump’s mind.


 4. Let the object of your disaffection be free:

I’d be happy if Kristen Wiig never acts again. She can write, direct and produce. But just not show her face anywhere. But, I won’t ask her to do any of that, because she doesn’t owe me shit. My hatred doesn’t mean I get to do anything towards her or her family. She doesn’t have to be a victim to my hatred. She’s free to keep doing overrated movies and portraying the same annoying character over and over again for as long as she wishes to do so.

What happens if you don’t: You’ll never get anything out of what you’re feeling. You’ll just sit and simmer. If you are a lonely misogynistic dude, you’ll spend the rest of your life surrounded by your peers complaining like you’re the all penis version of Sex and the City. And nothing good or productive will ever come out of it. You’ll just stay there forever, your growth forever stunted. Like Samantha’s IQ after middle school.


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