How to unmask the fake ass Marketing "Guru"
For every Nev Patel and Philip Kolter out there, there’s one sketchy dude standing next to a maserati claiming to be the ultimate marketing master. These are the guys we’re talking about. The kind of con artists that will prey on anyone to get enough money to pay for their next scam. While we won’t get deep into it (The Verge’s Scamworld already did a spectacular job unmasking them along with the Salty Droid), we will teach you how to identify them:
- The insanely crappy low quality video
Think about it for a second, if you were drowning in money because of your incomparable knowledge and know how would you have a video with an inexplicable sepia tone, recorded on a undeniably old phone, flooded with incoherent edits, and with a terrible script up on your website telling your visitors how allegedly awesome you are?
Take a look at this guy whose credentials you won’t be able to verify no matter how hard you try:
Classy. (Also you are tripping balls if you think I’m going to redirect any views to that crap)
That screenshot is from a 14:47 minutes video in which this guy claims to have millions and millions of dollars. He briefly shows you an average looking garage with expensive cars and then tells you he’ll help you achieve the same for yourself. If you somehow find the strength in you to make it past the first 5 minutes, you’ll see he never actually says anything of substance (more on that in a minute).
He’s got 24,443 views at the time of writing. That’s 24,443 more views than we have in our non existent YouTube video, and I promise not all of those views are me hate watching at night.
This is what most of his comments look like:
Obviously a real conversation starter
The rest are just people pointing out how cheap the video looks for someone who claims to be a millionaire. How effective do you think his marketing plan really is?
- The wild wild claims
Of course everyone wants to make $5,000 per minute while sitting in a computer in the comfort of your home and these fakers know that. They make the wildest claims you’ll ever hear, like lovestruck teenagers trying to convince you their prom night shotgun wedding is a good idea because the world has never known a love like theirs.
The thing is: they never say anything of substance. Every single sentence that comes out of their mouths is designed to get you pumped about some obscure tactic they’ve developed and that they’ll give it to you for free, once you’ve spent half an hour waiting for their super secret magical tip that will turn you into Bill Gates, you realize they have nothing to say. They just want your email address. If they were crackwhores out in the streets, your email would be their fix.
And on the off chance they do have something to offer…
- It’s just reused content
It’s absolutely nothing new. They’ll say you need a marketing plan and a content marketing strategy, vaguely outline how you should get it done, and move on to sell you a dubiously acquired eBook for $90,99 per page. They just use whatever they learnt in an online course or marketing class in college and reword it so that it looks new.
- They share empty metrics
One of their tactics to fake legitimacy is by throwing useless metrics at you:
– “I have unprecedented engagement in social media!”
– “I’ve gained over 100,000 comments in each of my blog posts!”
Here’s why that means next to nothing: “Engagement” can mean a million things or it can mean nothing at all. Are you looking to increase traffic on website? Are you looking to have 100 shares on Facebook every time you post a picture? And regardless of the specifics of that engagement, what are you looking to gain from it? Are those followers going to translate into sales? Do any of those Facebook shares mean a profit? Are these marketing efforts focused on spreading your brand’s awareness and getting new leads? A fake ass marketing guru has convinced himself these things count.
You can probably buy a lot more stuff with this bill than with the money those guys are promising you
The same thing happens with the comments claim. If 100,000 comments mean a profit or at least making enough to keep your website or your blog alive, then congratulations. If it’s just 90,000 comments saying “FIRST!!1!!!” or spammy BS, then you shouldn’t be so proud.
Whatever your goals, there really is no used in looking for “engagement” or “comments” if neither one of those things means anything in terms of how sustainable your business is.
- Don’t be fooled by magic solutions either
There’s no one solution unique and super simple answer that can solve any marketing problem in the world. And that’s the main problem with these charlatans. They stand on a stage, or in front of their crappy handheld cameras, and try to sell you on a solution that will help you make an insane amount of money but they haven’t even heard your story yet.
Yes, chances are that if you’re in trouble (marketing wise), someone’s been there before and can help you out, but only you and whatever consultant you decide to bring on board can accurately assess your situation and find real solutions. There’s no way a fool with a wad of cash he bought on Etsy -Yes, you can really buy wads of cash and pretend you’re Kanye West on Instagram- can accurately know what’s wrong with you through a YouTube video and give you a magical elixir that will turn you into a marketing expert.
- In the end, they can’t show their work
With all the ferraris they brag about you think they could at least show you a case study for a successful plan they’ve developed. Tough luck. Their credentials are unverifiable. You can’t find their clients. And their product? Except for the occasional badly written eBook with Wikipedia info, there really is nothing to see.
These dudes might as well be living on an studio apartment and their poor mothers still have to pay for their rent. There’s absolutely nothing they can show to back their claims and their only hope is that one day someone will believe them enough to buy into their scams.
Got any other fake marketing guru we should know about? Have you been tricked in the past?
Tell us about it in the comments.